The Art of Self Lovemaking

Posted by on Apr 16, 2020 in Your Sexy Self

The Art of Self Lovemaking

When I got the sexiest prescription ever from my doctor to start self pleasuring, she never once used the word ‘masturbation’.

It’s not a sexy word. Proof: it’s derived from the Latin roots manus (hand) and turbo (disturb/throw into confusion).  Too many of us were told as children that touching ourselves ‘down there’ was sinful and shameful, so pleasuring ourselves did have the potential to throw us into a state of confusion.

Well, enough of that. 

In this post we are going to explore the exquisite art of making love to yourself. I’ll use the term self pleasuring (coined, I believe by Margo Anand in her book The New Art of Sexual Ecstasy

Cover art of the book The New Art of Sexual Ecstasy showing a sensual photo of a woman's naked back

Be prepared to bump into resistance.  I did. I found all sorts of excuses (too busy, too tired, not in the mood, don’t feel like facing my shame…) for not following my doctor’s sexy prescription.  But eventually I persevered and it’s been empowering as hell to claim this aspect of my sexuality.  Because now in addition to the sensual relationships I have with my husband and nature, I have a third one blossoming with myself.  It’s super sexy.

Sensual photo of a lace scarf over a woman's torso

How To Create a Self Pleasuring Practice:

The first step is to have your vibrator and lubrication of choice readily accessible. (Coconut oil and Astrogolide are two of my favorites.) Mine are on the dresser bedside my bed. If you want to be more discreet, place them in a special box within reach under your bed. 

Sex with yourself is just like sex with a lover.  Sometimes you have quickies and other times you luxuriate. Both are great.  We are aiming to fill the prescription: sex three times a week with your lover or a dildo. Sometimes your self pleasuring will feel like an obligatory work out. Other days it will feel like a transcendent act of self love.  Be open to the range of experiences.  They’re all good.

Be Present: If ever your contemplative practices like yoga, meditation, tai chi,  and qi gong are going to pay off, it’s now. Presence and awareness are key elements to cultivating a sensuality practice. 

Know this: your mind is going to drift, often to the most laughable unsexy places like work, bills, arguments and chores. Bringing yourself into a place of  heightened sensuality and orgasmic sensitivity won’t happen if you are mentally making a to-do list or thinking about work.

Meditative awareness is a game changer in all aspects of life but especially with self pleasuring and sex. I’ll never forget the intensity of every single sensation when I made love with my husband for the first time after a ten day silent meditation retreat.  (Perhaps the real reason Buddhists are so happy?)

So, BE PRESENT when you are making love with yourself or a lover. Keep inviting your mind back: to breath, to sensation, to pleasure.

Set the Scene with Ritual:  When you have the time and space to fully indulge in your self pleasuring practice, tap into the power of ritual.  Approach your self pleasuring like you would if a sexy new lover was coming over. This is a hot date with your most sensuous self. Set the mood.  Set the stage.

A stage set for self pleasuring that includes yoga mat, meditatin cushion, lingerie, vibrator, lubrication

Dawn breaking on the stage of an early morning sensuality practice.

I start with a candlelit Epsom salt bath with essential oils (my favorites: sandlewood and neroli) while sipping a quart of water.  (One of my sexy mantras: never pass up an opportunity to hydrate.)

Breathe. Meditate. Pray. Hydrate. Soak.

After, I towel dry by the flames of my wood stove where I have already set the scene for my self seduction with more candles, meditation cushion, yoga mat, wedding cape, lingerie, vibrator, lube, erotic literature. (I’ve got a free erotic mermaid story for you when you sign up for the blog in the right side bar) 

 

After I massage lotion all over my skin, I sit naked in meditation with my wedding cape draped over my shoulders…

C.C. havens sitting naked in meditation with  cape drape.

…and then I move into a sensuous self yoga practice. 

All the while I am inviting my mind back to my breath, back to my body, back to my sex, back to the realization that my sensuality is a gift that I can unwrap only as long as I have this body and since I don’t know how long that will be, I offer up gratitude for this opportunity.

Foreplay and Fantasy: Foreplay is half the fun, so I invite elements of it into my yoga practice.  My hands don’t miss a chance to caress my neck, my belly, my breasts, my hamstrings, my ribcage. Emotions may come up~shame, vulnerablity, memories I’d rather forget… when they do I practice another mantra: Just Observe. Eventually the shrapnel of the past floats away on the currents of my exhalations while I keep coming back with love, kindness and acceptance to my breath, my body, my sexuality.

By the time I’m lying flat on my back in Shavasana, my mind is quiet yet my body is pulsing and flowing with sensual awareness. Sometimes, if I’ve dropped in deeply enough, just the sensation of my hand on my pubis will trigger a quivering response in my clitoris. Other times I need to flip through my fantasy Rolodex to make my mind stay, stay, stay as my hand reaches for my coconut oil and vibrator.  When my husband is gone and longing is having its way with me, I’ll imagine him above me, inside me, his third eye pressed to mine like in this sexy post.

Need help with a fantasy? This guy’s motorcycle just broke down on a remote, mountain road with no cell service and you just happen to be driving by…

Brad Pitt on a motorcycle

Increased Orgasmic Response: The more I practice all of this, the more sensitized and responsive my body has become.  Every inhale brings the expansiveness and awareness of my breath to my sex, enhancing it’s capacity for sensation. I keep the vibration setting off or very low (we are looking to increase sensitivity so you don’t want to desensitize yourself) . Start exploring. 

 I marvel at even the smallest, blossom-like sensations…

…because any orgasmic responses is something to celebrate and as you do, your body will continue to respond and become more fit like it does with any activity you do over and over again.  At times I’ll find myself, back arched like in bridge pose, giggling in astonished ecstasy at the way my sex quivers and contracts in response to my own touch.

The Art of Self Love: I really can’t believe what I’ve missed out on all these years. I feel juiced up and sexy even when my man is gone for weeks at a time. I no longer grow resentful that his adventurer’s soul has lured him away. When he returns, he finds an empowered wife who has been taking responsibility for her own sexuality and pleasure. 

Remember this: the art of self lovemaking is a practice.  The more you show up for it, the more your body and sensuous spirit will show up for you. 

This is something no one can take away,

it’s yours in the most sensual, non-narcissistic, loving way.

Added bonus: this practice of physically loving yourself will strengthen the emotional ability to do so. They feed each other, sumptuous ripe grapes right off the vine.  You’ll find you become sweeter, gentler to yourself, treating yourself as you would a lover.  By adopting a contemplative practice (yoga, meditation, tai chi) that cultivates self awareness , you’ll start catching the voices in your head that aren’t kind. You’ll get better at just observing them and no longer allowing them to infiltrate your psyche.

Sexy Link: If you haven’t already, check out writer, all-around goddess and relationship therapist, Esther Perel.  In one of her latest newsletters she wrote this about self love:

It can be wonderful to be alone, to give our body a massage, to cook ourselves a delicious meal for one, but this isn’t self-love, it’s self-reliance and self-sufficiency. Self-love, on the other hand, is closer to my colleague Terry Real’s explanation of self-esteem, our ability to see ourselves as a flawed individual and still hold ourselves in high regard. Self-love is the ability to not fall into a puddle of contempt even when we mess up. It’s trying new things knowing that we could fail, without thinking of ourselves, therefore, as failures. 

Trying new things, Perel writes.  Like a self pleasuring practice. 

As always, I love to hear from  you in the comments.

Read more from Esther Perel here: The Erotic Self

4 Comments

  1. What a wonderful post! self- love, self- pleasure! A great guide to both. Thank you.

    • My pleasure, Jude. I hadn’t realized until I starting writing this post how intertwined the two are.

  2. Being sheltered in place has a whole new light on it now. Being comfortable with self pleasure is an acquired art indeed. Practice, practice 🙂

    • Oh the silver linings or sexy linings as I like to think of them. I’m sheltered in place alone since my husband is in the field doing wildlife research. Eight weeks!Longing is having it’s way with me. But, I’m channeling it into my writing and I have more time for my sensuality practices so I’m making some pretty sweet lemonade. I hope you can find the time and the space for your practice in your sheltering situation, Madison.

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